by heatherk2 | Jun 19, 2018 | BE, CREATE, INSPIRE
There is one thing that has consistently helped me rise above many of life’s transitions, including anxiety, depression, and grief. Its been through a creative self-care practice. Through art, I have been able to work through many challenges. When I struggle to find words, my hands speak what is in my heart and in turn, I receive what I need most, emotional nourishment.
During times of grief and hardship when your focus can be more on what is lacking rather than what you have, a creative self-care practice will remind you of the mark you can make. Through the art of creating, it pulls you back into reality, gently telling you that you are here. You are present.
You are capable of doing things that you never dreamed you could.
When you are feeling out of control, it gives you something to hold onto. You can manipulate the fabric, change the words, move slower, or watch the colors blend together. Whatever you are creating, for each person it will be different – like a sweet surprise.
My creative self-care process has also become my form of meditation.
During the process of drawing, it is all about the feeling of ink connecting with the paper. With words and writing, it helps me to hear what I need to understand in the moment. While I paint with watercolors, it is about making something come alive. I can’t control the watercolors, and I don’t have to because I allow the paint to flow. This has helped me to find the beauty in life again after my Mom died. My creative self-care practice has reignited my curiosity which was almost extinguished by my grief.
Initially, I felt tremendous guilt for my creative self-care practice. Self-care had been missing from my life for many years. The act of creating had been replaced by other aspects of my life which I believed to be more critical than myself – taking care of my family, my business, and my marriage.
With a creative self-care practice, I am a better me. I am more present. I can give more freely without resentment because I am taking time for myself. I am taking care of my soul again.
Where do you find your quiet? Is it through mindfulness, writing, dancing, baking, drawing or making music? Forgetting the importance of self-care is easy. It’s even easier to only see what is right in front of you.
A creative self-care practice benefits you
by allowing you to see life through a new lens.
It’s about being mindful.
Experimenting. Playing.
And choosing joy.
by heatherk2 | Jun 9, 2018 | BE, CREATE, INSPIRE
Our stories begin the moment we are born. Events during our childhood mold us into who we are as adults. We spread our wings and leave the nest, we trip, fall flat on our faces, brush ourselves off and keep going. All of these events add dimension to who we are, molding us into a multifaceted, perfectly imperfect stone. This is how our stories are created. It’s a dance. It’s a roller coaster. It’s filled with love, joy, sadness and hurt. It’s exciting, scary, thrilling, exhausting, confusing and exhilarating. All depending on where you are in your journey.
There is no doubt that each of our stories is complicated.
Since I was quite young, people would come up to me, and they would talk. Not just the ordinary conversation mind you. They’d tell me everything that is on their mind and then some. And more often than not, it is followed by, “Wow, I don’t normally talk about things like that to anyone. I’ve never told anyone about that.” Perfect strangers, acquaintances, good friends, sometimes even fur-friends… I’ve always been that person.
I’ve known from the beginning that I’ve wanted to “help people.” I started to explore nursing while I was in college. After a year of working as a Nurse’s Aide in the Women’s Oncology unit at the University of Minnesota Hospital, I realized that my soul could not take it. I felt genuinely incapable of helping these beautiful women. I would not watch as these amazing women lost their lives day after day. Ultimately, I decided to pursue my passion for art/creativity and became an art major and eventually a graphic designer and photographer. This time of self-discovery was also a time of self-destruction. During my early 20’s I struggled with major bouts of anxiety and depression, was suicidal and suffered from anorexia for several years. The only way I was able to survive those years was through the love and support of my parents, a couple of really good friends and art. This was when I first realized that art indeed has the power to heal.
The time I spent focusing on my art, was time spent focusing inward. I slowly stitched my spirit back together through my art practice.
I met my husband, Mike, right before my 21st birthday. His grand life plan was to become a dentist like his father. The further along in school he got, the more he realized that this was not the path he wanted to take. A few years later, he listened to his heart and a little help from me, and we moved our lives to Santa Barbara so he could attend school at the Brooks Institute of Photography. Shortly after, I landed a dream job with a family-owned publishing company designing inspirational greeting cards and books. I met some of my dearest friends there – people who helped shape me and to realize that the world was not all that bad. I helped Mike walk tall while he struggled with his demons during this time. Through the guidance of one of his photography instructors, who was also an art therapist, he undertook a 100 Day Project where he was to do something creative with a single object for 100 days. He produced the most beautiful photographs, writings, and sculptures during this intense time. It wasn’t all bad and dark back then. Don’t get me wrong. We were happy. Really happy. We were in California, thriving, falling more in love each day and becoming closer at every turn. He is my rock. And I am his. We take turns being the strong one. That is what we do.
In April of 1999, we got married, had our first son in December of 2001, moved back to Wisconsin, bought our first home and started our photography business. We like to do things big – so many life changes in such a short period. This is pretty much how we Krakoras roll. In January of 2005, our second son joined our family. In the early to late-2000’s, most of our life feels like a blur. I blame it on being thick in the weeds of parenting two small boys. That, and maybe not slowing down enough to truly enjoy our blessings.
Shortly after I turned 39, I found myself not at all where I expected to be. My anxiety was out of control – I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety. Not an ailment that you want to have when you photograph people and weddings for a living. Everything came to a head in September of 2013 when blew out my back. The pain was indescribable. After my Physical Therapist realized that no amount of PT (nor heavy medication) was going to help, they did an MRI to confirm that I had ruptured my L4-5 disk (that is to say the disc between my 4th and 5th lumbar vertebrae.). This was when we got the surprise that changed our lives. There was an incidental finding in my L1-2 disc. So on December 3, 2012, I had a double laminectomy. Okay. Shit just got real. It was a tumor called an Ependymoma. To be really specific, a Tanyscytic Ependymoma. Pretty fancy word, huh? I am one of 6 in the world to have this.
I always wanted to be special, but this is a bit extreme.
Ependymomas in adults are definitely not the worst thing that can happen. However, even though they are stated as benign, they really are not. They often re-occur. I was lucky. Really, really, lucky. My tumor was just millimeters shy of my central nervous system. If it had been in my central nervous system, I would have had permanent neurological damage. The other tricky thing is that people really don’t know that much about these types of tumors, like what makes them occur or how to treat them. They are a mystery. This was the universe giving me a swift kick in the ass. As if the anxiety wasn’t enough of a wake-up call for me. I needed to make some serious changes in how I chose to live each day. I could be lucky and live another 50 years without another tumor. Or it could be 1 or 2. You don’t know. All I knew is that I didn’t want to ever look back at my life and wish that I would have spent more time with my boys, did that photography project that I had been thinking about, or miss out on some other adventure merely because I was afraid of failing. Waiting for a better time was no longer an option. This was when my true journey of self-discovery and growth began. I immersed myself in all things personal growth and healing. I made it my mission to figure out my life’s purpose – my “WHY.” You know…the “why” that helps you get out of bed in the morning. It’s become my motivation and the answer to all of my questions. My Why is what keeps me going when I feel stuck. I go back to three words that remind me Why I am here on this planet, living this life.
Inspire. Create. Be. {Inspire myself and others to Be present and mindful in our lives and to Create every day.}
It is simple really. I live by these words every day. It is ingrained in all aspects of my life, and it’s how I have been making major decisions ever since – some of them simple, others are life-changing. And guess what? It’s helped me through SO much freakin’ stuff.
But little did I know that the Universe was not done with me yet.
After I recovered from my back surgery, we decided to change our business model for our photography studio. We were no longer going to photograph weddings and instead focus on photographing families and commercial work. Long story short, it didn’t work well. We were busy, but not busy enough. In the midst of problem-solving and trying to figure out how to make our business function, our older son, who was in 7th grade at the time, began having troubles at school. He had been verbally bullied throughout the years. But in 7th grade, the bullying turned physical. Within a month and a half of school starting, he had been physically assaulted three separate times. One of the times, his head was smashed into a locker repeatedly. Ultimately, we had to file a police report and were told by the Assistant Principle that they could not guarantee his safety. He was scared. We were all scared, and emotionally, he was broken. We felt we had no choice other than to pull him from school and homeschool him for the remainder of middle school. This bump sent us hurdling and knocked me off of my feet. I spent the next year and a half focusing on rebuilding his self-esteem and courage. During this time, I turned to art as my therapy. I committed to a daily practice where my focus was on illustrating words and quotes of encouragement. Little did I know how badly I would need to re-read those words in the future…
On July 16 of 2015, just six months after we started homeschooling our older son, my Mother was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer after being admitted to the hospital in septic shock. She died seven weeks later. She went from, what I thought to be a vibrant 68-year-old to a woman, to fighting for her life. Her death destroyed me. She was my best friend, my next door neighbor and my encourager when I felt like I was failing (which had been quite a lot during that time.) She was an eternal optimist. I would joke that she was like Pollyanna, but truth be told, she was always filled with hope and was the most positive person I knew. The way that Mom died was anything but graceful, or peaceful like how its described in novels and obituaries. She was in an incredible amount of pain from the day she was admitted. Her pain, for the longest time, was the only thing I could remember about her. I have PTSD because of it. I try hard not to let any of this define me. However, it is difficult not to.
These trials have forced me to embrace my life and my time here on this earth.
I aim to be as present as possible and to not live with regrets. To trust my intuition and create from deep inside. And to inspire others to do the same. My creative practice has been instrumental in helping me rediscover my voice. So I’ve started over. Some cold morning in February of 2017, my husband and I looked at each other and decided that this was not going to be our story. We closed our photography studio, sold our home and most of what we owned to start our lives over in the Bay Area. Many people have said to me how brave they think I am. Honestly, I think to have remained in Madison, Wisconsin and in our old lives seemed far more frightening. To make significant changes, you must take big leaps. So here I am.
Open. Creating. Alive. Every. Damn. Day!
Welcome to my journey! After our move to the Bay Area in July 2017, we couldn’t feel more at home. It has been the BESTchange for each of us. Yes, even our teenage sons love it here.
As I have settled into my new life, it has become glaringly obvious that it is time for me to help others rise up from the rubble. I will help guide others, after their time of significant transitions, and work with them through creativity and an open heart, inspiring them to rebuild their lives to match their dreams. I want to help people live their best life, a life without regrets, a full heart and one where they are free to be themselves. It is my mission to be a catalyst for other sensitive spirits by helping their souls shine through creating art and cultivating compassion to navigate towards their best life.
