by heatherk2 | Sep 17, 2018 | BE, INSPIRE
So I have some questions for you. Have you ever been on a precipice of a major change? One that you can feel so deep inside of yourself, but you can’t put words to it? Or maybe you want to make a change, but it terrifies you? I get it. I have been there – in both places and at different times.
I question everything – especially myself. And I encourage everyone around me to question things as well. Its what keeps us engaged, alive and present.
What motivates you? Are you present in your life? Are you a participant or an observer?
Do you answer the hard questions? OR do you glaze over and go on to the next one until you feel comfortable?
Are you just pretending? Are you happy with your story?
What is it worth to you to change your story? What are you willing to risk? Everything? Nothing?
What do you want to leave behind? What do you want to take with you?
Are you willing to remain living by the status quo despite the ache you feel in your heart that things are not right?
See? These are not the easy questions. But they are SO important and essential to answer before you take those first steps. 
We have two non-negotiables that are more related to lifestyle than anything else: freedom and family. Those are the two things that we need. And these two things may look different for you. When we road tripped out to California from Wisconsin in 2016, the year before we moved, we realized that we felt at home wherever we were. Driving through the desert. Camping in the mountains in the rain. Really, for us, home is wherever our family is. If that means we are all living out of our Jeep, it doesn’t matter. We were with our people. Even our dogs. This reality was staring us in the face when we got back to our “home” in Wisconsin. It took Mike and I a few days to vocalize this. Our home no longer felt like home. It was too big, too much and didn’t feel like us anymore. I still don’t have the words for it. None of us had that overwhelming feeling of “coming home” when we walked through the doors.
That is when we knew it was time to make our change.
It was time to move on.
The most difficult question for our family was, what do we get rid of and what do we keep? We knew we needed and wanted much less. We wanted to cleanse our lives. I think this process was a bit easier for Mike and I than it was for the kids. If I had it my way, we would have moved out with just a few boxes. I fully embraced the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondō.
“Does this bring me joy?”
No? Toss it.
…It was awesome…
Our one physical non-negotiable was our dining room table. It may seem a little unexpected. But it was the one item that we all agreed upon that we would NOT sell before we moved. The kids had actually said that they didn’t care where we moved and what we got rid of, as long as we kept the dining room table. You see, our table has turned into a symbol of what the four of us can accomplish together as well as our love and commitment to one another. We picked up the old farm table from a florist friend of ours who was liquidating her studio. The four of us stripped it down and completely refinished it. It took us for what felt like forever. Maybe that is because the work was done when we discovered the tumor in my spine. On the days when I could barely stand, the boys would step in and take over sanding. They were eleven and seven years old at the time. A lot of sweat and even a few tears went into that table. I can see the table from where I am writing and acknowledge all that it has seen in our family over the past five years. It has seen us through it all. And the beautiful part is that it’s helping us write this next chapter as well. The top is a little worn. There are new dents and a few scratches. One of the legs is crooked. We can’t seem to find chairs that look good with it. And it is the most beautiful table I have ever seen.
So I ask you – So what are your non-negotiables?
What are you NOT willing to give up?
I would love to hear.
by heatherk2 | Sep 15, 2018 | BE, INSPIRE
In a world with so much negativity and injustice happening, we all have a choice to be the one to make a difference in somebody’s life
We need to be the one.
Be the one who smiles first.
Be the one who makes room on the conveyor belt at the grocery store.
Be the one who stands up for someone being bullied.
Be the one who admits when they are wrong.
Be the one who picks up the trash that someone has left behind.
Be the one who helps someone.
Be the one who listens without judgment.
Be the one who hugs just a little bit longer.
Be the one who holds the door for a stranger.
Be the one who speaks out against injustice.
Be the one to leave the world a better place.
Be the one who holds space for someone even though you don’t understand what they are going through.
Be the one who never gives up.
Be the one who is unafraid to show their love.
Be the one who supports the person who has no voice.
Be the one to encourage others.
Be the one to look at all sides of an issue.
Be the one who is not afraid to show their feelings.
Be the one who fights for those less fortunate.
by heatherk2 | Sep 10, 2018 | BE
Shortly after my Mom died, I started having the most intense attacks of pain since I ruptured my discs in my spine three years prior. The pain was central to my pelvic floor. It was a deep, heavy and so incredibly intense that would bring me to my knees.
{Let me pause here. I need to warn you that this will get a little bit graphic and is incredibly personal. I am sharing this in hopes that if you are currently grieving, know of someone who is grieving, or have experienced pain during grief that hopefully you won’t feel as alone and crazy as I did.}
I would wake up most mornings feeling fine. I wouldn’t feel any pain, other than that of a broken heart. But as the day progressed the pain would intensify. It seemed like I was holding a lead weight inside of me that was slowly ripping me open. There was cramping. A lot of it. I felt kind of like I had a full bladder but was afraid to pee. And when I did pee, it never seemed to match the amount I imagined being in my bladder. I tried to remain active. But as time progressed, my daily walks became more and more painful. I would often head home before I was even a quarter of the way through, only to lie on the couch with a heated rice pack between my legs.
I thought I was going crazy.
So many things went through my mind during this time. Was I dying? Or was I having sympathy pain similar to what my Mom experienced during her last month with Ovarian Cancer? There were times that I even thought that maybe this was my Mom trying to communicate with me to show me what her pain was like.
The way that my Mom died was anything but graceful, or peaceful like how its described it in novels and obituaries. She was in an incredible amount of pain from the day she was admitted to the hospital. When she was brought home on hospice, she was already on 120 mg of morphine. At her death, she was on 800 – 1000 mg – enough to “take down an elephant.” (This is what the doctors told me anyways.) I begged for them to give her more in hopes that it would help her transition to death easier. But she was on too much already to even make a difference as her body had built up a tolerance to it.
Watching her be in so much pain. Watching her feet become rigid every time the pain escalated. Watching her eyes go wild with fear when the waves of pain would take over. Watching a nurse try to put a catheter in her and miss several times. Watching her cry out and try to grab ahold of me, even when I was told that she was no longer conscious. These are all memories that I wish I could scrub from my brain.
Her pain.
For the longest time, her pain was the only thing I could remember about her. And that pain manifested itself in my body.
I realized that when I had my pain episodes, I was bearing down like I was trying to go to the bathroom. I discovered this when my body could no longer keep a tampon in place. What was going on? What could be causing this? Of course, I googled it, which I don’t recommend. I saw doctors. My OB. I had a bunch of scans – MRI, ultrasounds and so many different panels of bloodwork. I was sure I had cancer too. But I did not. They had no idea what was going on. There was no physiological reason for my pain.
And that is when my primary sat me down and told me that grief could actually hurt. Like physically HURT. Not just in our minds and hearts, but in our bodies as well. Grief pain is not uncommon. However, NO ONE talks about it. People talk about how grief is complicated, but I had never heard about how it can manifest itself in another way in our lives and bodies. I felt so incredibly alone.
So that is where my journey began with Reiki. I learned how energy could get trapped in our bodies during trauma. And at this point, I was willing to try anything. I found an amazing Reiki practitioner, Christine, who helped me work through a whole LOT of shit. After each session, the pain decreased significantly until eventually it was gone. My experiences with Christine have been nothing short of profound. Things happened on that table that I still struggle to put words to. 
by heatherk2 | Aug 17, 2018 | BE, INSPIRE
We recently went back to the Midwest, where we once considered home, to visit family and friends. It was the first time that we had been back since moving to California and it was wonderful to see everyone. We spent warm evenings on the terrace sharing pitchers of beer with old friends. Time was spent exploring areas that I had never been with my Dad and his wife. There were many wonderful conversations with my aunt and uncle over lots of wine and great food. We also enjoyed coffee dates, dinners, floating on the lake, and lots and lots of laughter. We can’t forget the laughter.
As beautiful as this all sounds, I have to be honest, it wasn’t an easy trip for me. There were so many triggers.
It was difficult to drive down familiar roads that I only see in my dreams. I relived events that make my heart hurt. I looked on as family members struggled with their feelings of grief and their inability to express them. I witnessed the massive hole left by the death of my mother and recognized that she was the buffer in our family. And lastly, probably the most difficult lesson of all was learning who my friends were, and were not.
There was not a single place devoid of a memory.
Someday I hope to go back and feel happy nostalgia. For now, I am relishing in the fact that moving to California was the BEST thing we could have done. Maybe you would think that this is such a fantastic epiphany. However, I have been judging myself in the worst ways possible.
We have an entirely new life. We did this. We made this change. I have witnessed my family evolve into the most amazingly strong and confident people. As a result, they are thriving.
But here is where my judgment sneaks in. I recently received a message asking me how I was enjoying my new life. It stopped me cold. Consequently, it took me a few days to even respond. How was I enjoying my new life? The fact is, some days don’t feel that different. I could be anywhere in the world. Am I taking advantage of our move? Am I making the right changes? You can change your physical landscape and location whenever you want. But that doesn’t mean that you will change as well. Internal change takes a lot of work. Everyone in my family has done an amazing job of letting go of their past and bolding plowing forward. My husband would argue that I have made massive strides. I mean, here I am, creating a new business. But the fact is, I still have a lot of inner work to do.
And that is okay.
This is my declaration that I will put aside my judgment and honor myself. Honor my grief, which I have been avoiding like the plague. Honor my spirit, which I have been ignoring. Honor my art, because I worry that it will never be good enough. And I will honor my physical body as it is still healing from over five long years of trauma.
It is easy for me to honor others and celebrate their wins and support them in their heartache. It is time that I practice this love and respect towards myself.
So I am curious, what are you doing to honor yourself? What do you struggle with? Do you catch yourself judging where you should be and not praising where you are? Or are you finally in a place where you can see your beauty and honor your spirit. I would love to hear from you.
Wherever you are on your journey, remember to love yourself.
Sit with your heart and honor it.
by heatherk2 | Jul 23, 2018 | BE, CREATE, INSPIRE
The phrase “letting go” has a negative connotation to it. For instance, “She’s really let herself go,” or “You just need to let go!” {Insert snarky tone.}
However, the simple act of letting go can be quite beautiful.
There are things in our life that can hold us back. Things that can prevent us from moving forward towards change. Fear. People. Insecurities. Expectations we set upon ourselves.
A few years ago, shortly after I started homeschooling our older son, I was lost. Lost existentially. I was in the midsts of working with a creative business coach when shit hit the proverbial fan. I was in the beginning stages of implementing a plan to start selling my artwork, writing a book and offering art classes. But then life happened. And you know what? That is okay. But during that time, I didn’t know that. All I knew what that I needed to table everything. The most important thing at that moment was my son. Nothing else mattered.
Now, for a recovering control freak, I needed to let go of all of the expectations that I had put upon myself. It was a practice for sure. And not an easy one. It took a lot of mediation, drawing, talking things over with my family and friends, my therapist, as well as support from my coach at the time. I needed to shift my priorities. Someday I would revisit those grand plans – or maybe not. It no longer mattered. Instead, I found great comfort in one simple word. It became my mantra.
Surrender.
What do you need to surrender to? What will allow you to be free of the confines of your expectations and the expectations of others? What is holding you back from doing the most important thing at this moment? Whatever it is, I know you can do this.
Just let go with your heart wide open and listen.
Your heart always knows.
