We recently went back to the Midwest, where we once considered home, to visit family and friends. It was the first time that we had been back since moving to California and it was wonderful to see everyone. We spent warm evenings on the terrace sharing pitchers of beer with old friends. Time was spent exploring areas that I had never been with my Dad and his wife. There were many wonderful conversations with my aunt and uncle over lots of wine and great food. We also enjoyed coffee dates, dinners, floating on the lake, and lots and lots of laughter. We can’t forget the laughter.

As beautiful as this all sounds, I have to be honest, it wasn’t an easy trip for me. There were so many triggers.

It was difficult to drive down familiar roads that I only see in my dreams. I relived events that make my heart hurt. I looked on as family members struggled with their feelings of grief and their inability to express them. I witnessed the massive hole left by the death of my mother and recognized that she was the buffer in our family. And lastly, probably the most difficult lesson of all was learning who my friends were, and were not.

There was not a single place devoid of a memory.

Someday I hope to go back and feel happy nostalgia. For now, I am relishing in the fact that moving to California was the BEST thing we could have done. Maybe you would think that this is such a fantastic epiphany. However, I have been judging myself in the worst ways possible.

We have an entirely new life. We did this. We made this change. I have witnessed my family evolve into the most amazingly strong and confident people. As a result, they are thriving.

But here is where my judgment sneaks in. I recently received a message asking me how I was enjoying my new life. It stopped me cold. Consequently, it took me a few days to even respond. How was I enjoying my new life? The fact is, some days don’t feel that different. I could be anywhere in the world. Am I taking advantage of our move? Am I making the right changes? You can change your physical landscape and location whenever you want. But that doesn’t mean that you will change as well. Internal change takes a lot of work. Everyone in my family has done an amazing job of letting go of their past and bolding plowing forward. My husband would argue that I have made massive strides. I mean, here I am, creating a new business. But the fact is, I still have a lot of inner work to do.

And that is okay.

This is my declaration that I will put aside my judgment and honor myself. Honor my grief, which I have been avoiding like the plague. Honor my spirit, which I have been ignoring. Honor my art, because I worry that it will never be good enough. And I will honor my physical body as it is still healing from over five long years of trauma.

It is easy for me to honor others and celebrate their wins and support them in their heartache. It is time that I practice this love and respect towards myself.

So I am curious, what are you doing to honor yourself? What do you struggle with? Do you catch yourself judging where you should be and not praising where you are? Or are you finally in a place where you can see your beauty and honor your spirit. I would love to hear from you.

Wherever you are on your journey, remember to love yourself.
Sit with your heart and honor it.